I Shall Believe
by Peyt4Luke4eva
Summary: LP Oneshot set after 3x13. She had always been so proud and independent and yet she came to him at her most vulnerable. She needed to break down. She needed to let go of some of the pain. She needed to heal. She needed him to help her.


Author's Note – So this one shot is one I have had in my head for the last few months and my muse kicked into overdrive so I could finally write it. It takes place after 3x13. I have wanted to explore how Peyton dealt with Ellie's death; I have always thought that Ellie did help force Peyton to address her hidden feelings for Lucas. So I wanted to look at this a little further.

I've played around and changed things just a little but the story pretty much does follow the show. But I'll stop rambling now...haha. Enjoy!

* * *

**I Shall Believe**

_Ellie Harp was tough; Ellie lived her life the way she wanted to, no matter what the consequence. I admire that, she had lived an adventurous and great life. She had seen some of the most influential and most amazing musical artists the world has ever known. She certainly had some great stories to tell and she captivated me with each and every recount. She was passionate about her music and her art. I can finally see where I came from and I am proud of that._

_Ellie brought so much wisdom to my life in the short time I knew her. I have to admit when she first came to me, I was reluctant to let her into my life. I was mad at her from abandoning me. I have always had issues with people leaving me. And I was scared of what she wanted from me; and from what having her in my life would bring. It took me a while to trust her but in the end Ellie brought me such wonderment and light. I think she recognised a part of me in herself and I saw myself shining through her. I am a better person for knowing her._

x--x--x--x--x

Peyton navigated the darkened roads as she finally reached the border of her hometown. She took a sideways glance at the shining welcome sign illuminated by the fluorescent street lamp. It was the only thing her mind had focused upon since she had begun her long drive. Her head had been very much lost to Winston, Salem; where she had just visited to scatter her mother's ashes in a place called the Meadow.

The Meadow was such a serene and beautiful place; with the grassy landscapes and a scattering of wild flowers. It was a far cry from the place Peyton had imagined as Ellie described the tale of where and when she had felt most alive. It had seemed so fitting for her mother to be laid to rest there. Peyton had sat in the fields and the tranquillity and had found some comfort in the knowledge that Ellie's suffering was over and she was finally at peace with the world.

The heavy rain lashing at the windscreen in streaming patterns snatched Peyton's attention back to the hazardous drive. The wipers creaked as they battled again the furious weather's assault. She had to blink back the stinging tears she hadn't noticed were there. She had opted to drive with the Comet's roof down when the storm had started. She supposed she was desperately trying to seek that freedom and reassurance from the last stormy night just barely weeks before. Her head lapsed back once again to the night of the blackout and where Ellie had coaxed her out of the house and taken her for a drive. She wanted to touch that careless feeling; that mind-blowing feeling of life and adventure coursing through her veins.

She wanted to go back to _that_ night; when Ellie was still alive.

The teenage girl brushed back the compromising tears that momentarily blinded her to the wet highway.

The winding country lanes had begun to give way to the familiar town houses and Peyton let out a long, weary sigh. She knew she would be home in less than five minutes and the realisation offered her little comfort.

Her father was away at sea. Larry Sawyer had objected to taking the job so soon after Ellie's death. He had wanted to be there for Peyton as she tried to come to terms with another monumental and tragic event. She had eventually convinced him to go; because she was never good with leaning on anyone. Being vulnerable and in need of another person seemed so impossible, especially now as she was forced to recall that aching and cruel void of loss.

That morning as Peyton had left for Winston she had believed that the road trip and a house all to herself was oddly tempting and would ease and heal her frantic emotions. She had just wanted to be alone. However now as she turned into her own street she suddenly was afraid and uncomfortable with the silence of her empty childhood home.

She pulled in to the driveway of her red bricked Colonial house but didn't move from the car. Something cold swept through her core and it wasn't due to the heavy rain. Peyton bit her lip as she attempted to organise her thoughts. Her reluctance was perhaps because this scene is all too sad and familiar. A quiet and empty home had been what she came to associate with after her adoptive mother, Anna Sawyer, had died. Silence for Peyton was now ominous and deafening and she couldn't face that again.

Taking a deep and cleansing breath, she twisted the key in the ignition and the Comet roared back to life. She swivelled slightly in her seat so she could back out onto the road once again. She drove without stopping; her hands gripping vice like at the wheel.

In her seventeen years, Peyton had always tried to be so strong and so independent. She knew she would want to distance herself from being hurt and left behind again. That inclination had become an instinctive reaction by now but after a few short moments she found herself pulling up outside the little white house and she climbed out of the car without thinking about it.

The wind whipped harshly against her face and she huddled inside Ellie's leather jacket as she ran to the shelter of his home. Her eyes glanced at his red door. Almost unconsciously she knocked on the door; three raps of her knuckles were all that it took. The porch light flicked on and she heard his distinctive footsteps.

Lucas Scott came into view and stood leaning against the door frame with a pen tucked behind his ear. When he saw it was her, a look of concern etches across his chiseled features.

"Hey," Lucas was the first to speak as Peyton seemed to have no idea of what to say. He didn't really know why she was there; in the middle of a storm so late at night. But it didn't really matter. He and all of their mutual friends had been worrying about her since Ellie's death. He knew she hadn't been to school in the last few days. His girlfriend, Brooke Davis, had left countless messages on both Peyton's cell and house phones to no avail.

Lucas knew of course that Peyton could look after herself but she shouldn't have to. Not now and not like this. He couldn't begin to imagine what she must be going through. She'd just lost her biological mother and she shouldn't be the one trying to hold herself together. He cared so much about her and he'd do what he could to help her.

"Can I come in?" she asked in the smallest voice he thought he'd ever heard from her. She seemed more broken and afraid than he has ever seen her before. That scared him to the very centre. Bad things always seemed to just happen to her and he often wished that he could shield her from more pain and anguish. He knew of course that it wasn't his job to protect her. He was not her boyfriend. He constantly reminded himself of that fact as he and Brooke continued to clash over his instinctive need to look out for Peyton. But though Peyton is not his girlfriend he reasoned, she was his friend. She is a very close and dear friend. And he can't bear to see her so heartbroken and vulnerable.

He watched as she pursed her lips together awaiting his answer. She was nervous in the knowledge that she shouldn't really be there. It would do his relationship with Brooke no good and they both knew that.

After a beat Lucas simply shook his head. He could never find it in himself to send Peyton Sawyer away.

"Of course you can," he extended an arm toward her, to invite her inside. She shuffled in from the chill evening and he closed the door shut behind her. "I'll go get you a towel," he told her then; seeing her wet and matted curls in the light. Her clothes hung sodden against her small and shuddering frame. He retrieved a towel from the linen closet before returning to her unmoving form. He shrugged her leather jacket from her shoulders and draped the fluffy white towel in its place.

"Thanks," she murmured with a ghost of a smile in her sad green eyes.

"You must be freezing," he rubbed his hands over her arms in an attempt to generate some heat. "What are you doing driving around so late?"

"I went to scatter Ellie's ashes," she offered despondently.

"I'm sorry Peyt," he knew probably better than anyone what it had taken for her to let Ellie into her world.

"I'm sorry to show up so late. I just..."

"It's ok. I wasn't doing anything. Brooke and Haley are having a girl's night in and mom's out with Keith," he rambled to try and encourage her that she hadn't disturbed him from anything.

"Can I stay?" she blurted out the request.

The way her eyes met with his in that fraction of a second; she was able to say so much without her so much as speaking a word. She didn't want to go home; she needed him now more than ever.

"Of course you can. You want to take a shower?" he asked as she was soaked head to foot and standing in front of him shivering.

"Yeah," she agreed gladly to the suggestion becoming suddenly aware of just how cold she was. Lucas led her down the softly lit hallway, his hand lightly touching at her back as they walked together. He muttered something about getting her something clean and dry to change into once she was finished.

Her fingers curled around the brass door handle and she was just about to push her way inside. He stopped her as he uttered;

"Peyt, it's going to be ok."

She bobbed her head a small fraction. She had always placed such a great faith in him. She appreciated his small assurance more than she believed he even realised. But then just being in his presence made her feel so much safer.

"Thanks Lucas."

"I'm just outside if you need anything," he told her before disappearing down the hall to the laundry room.

Once alone and inside the bathroom, Peyton switched on the shower to allow it to warm up to her desired temperature. She moved to stare at her reflection in the mirror above the faucet. She raised a hand to her bloodshot eyes. She looked terrible; she had barely slept in days and couldn't stop the tears when they had broken through her weakening composure.

"It's going to be ok," she whispered to her reflection. She smiled back at the girl behind the glass. The smile was Ellie's, she knew that now. The same beaming smile Peyton remembered from all those nostalgic stories Ellie would tell. That smile had told Peyton that Ellie regretted nothing; that she had lived life to its fullest. Seeing that smile now made Peyton feel both immense sadness as she would never see Ellie smile like that again; and a glimmer of joy in that Ellie was somewhat immortalised in Peyton herself.

Peyton pulled her eyes from the mirror not liking what she saw. She craned her head to gaze over all of Karen Roe's bottles and lotions on the wooden shelf just above the sink. Her mind idly cast back to her own childhood memories of her first mother; she would always smell of wild flowers and summer.

Slowly she peeled the soggy black clothes from her trembling frame. She dropped them in a forgotten heap in the tiled floor. She climbed into the shower and felt the sudden and overwhelming envelopment of heat. The tears build up behind her eyes as she remembered Anna singing her to sleep; she remembered Ellie brushing her hair.

As she squirted some of Karen's jasmine shampoo into the palm of her hand she tried to focus on all the happy memories of both of the mothers that had been so unjustly taken from her. She lathered the shampoo into her short locks as her eyes fell shut.

The picture that clicked into her vision wasn't one she welcomed. The scene that haunted her every waking moment was how she had found Ellie in that derelict house. All she could see was her birth mother's pale and unmoving body lying sprawled across the couch. Ellie's vacant and glazed over matching eyes had stared straight through her as Peyton had brought her the CDs they'd spent weeks working on together. The CDs the daughter had dropped with a thud to the ground. Ellie had died alone; proud and alone.

Peyton made a small and pitiful cry as she forced her eye lids open. She wanted to banish the memory far away; she didn't care as the soapy suds tingled at her vision.

It wasn't fair. She shouldn't have to be dealing with this again; she shouldn't always be the one left behind.

She felt her walls of strength crumble away. She closed her stinging lids tightly shut as the bitter droplets fell from her eyes. She angled her head beneath the searing spray of the shower's head. She just wanted to wash away all the hurt and the pain.

x--x--x--x--x

By the time Lucas returned with fresh clothing for Peyton to wear he found her standing by the window in his bedroom. She wore a long fluffy towel with another wrapped around her head. She was lost in a world of her and didn't hear his approach.

"You feeling better?" he asked and she turned to face him. He was glad to see at least she looked a lot warmer if no less afraid.

"Yeah," she offered him a little smile before her eyes dropped to the object she is holding. Lucas's own orbs lingered down to what had captured her attention. It was a picture that had been taken on his eighth birthday. He remembered the day as clearly as if it was yesterday. He, his mom and his Uncle Keith had taken a road trip and had gone swimming in the lake just outside of Charlotte. It was one of his fondest childhood memories.

He watched as her fingertips trailed across the wooden frame of one of his most treasured childhood photographs.

Lucas knew that his family might be slightly dysfunctional; what with Mayor Dan Scott as a father but he also knew how much he loved both his mom and his uncle. He wondered for a frightening second what he'd be thinking and feeling if he had ever lost his mom or Keith. He was lucky in the fact that throughout his life he had always had the stability and the benefit of knowing both a mother and a father figure. And he could be mad at Dan; their relationship was rocky even at the best of times, but at least Dan was still living and breathing.

"You look happy," her voice stirred him from his thoughts.

Peyton grinned at the little blonde boy with braces. She didn't remember Lucas Scott ever having braces. But then she didn't remember much about Lucas Scott accept in the past two years where he had grown to mean to much to her.

"Yeah, I was one of my best birthdays," he told her gently. "Keith saved up enough money to put us up in the best hotel in Charlotte. We went to watch the game and I remember eating way to much candy and ice cream. I threw up all over the hotel's lobby and my mom told Keith off."

"Keith's a good guy," she said with a little laugh.

"Yeah since Keith came back, he and mom have been spending a lot of time together. It's nice having him back in our lives."

"I'm glad," she looked back down at the picture. They were a sweet and lovely family unit. "Keith and Karen deserve it. And you deserve it too. Plus you look so cute in your braces dude. Really cute."

Lucas couldn't help but giggle at her teasing. That was the girl he remembered. Sarcastic. "Oh yeah well how about you in the little pigtails in our first grade class photo."

"Shut up," she almost cringed at the less than rock and roll image. She slapped him playfully.

"I brought you these," he held out the clothes as he placed them back in reality.

She took the sweatshirt and shorts from his grasp. The fabric was still fresh and warm from the dryer. She smiled softly in the reassurance that if she needed to lean on anyone in these tender moments in time; that if she needed someone to take care of her she was just glad that it was him. She looped her wet curls behind her ear and gave him the second of her glimmering smiles that evening. "Thank you."

Being the gentleman that he was, Lucas turned his back whilst she dressed. He heard the rustle of clothing and when he turned back round she was swamped in his Ravens sweatshirt.

"Are you hungry?" he enquired.

The low growl of her stomach prompted her response. Her hand reached down to touch at her protesting belly and he laughed.

"Ok then that answers my question. Come on."

They moved to the small kitchen and Peyton took in the spread he had laid out on the table. In the centre was a steaming cheese pizza and around it he had placed several experimental toppings in bowls. Peyton couldn't help but delight at the warming sensation that spread through her. He wanted to make her laugh and forget; the gesture was so sweet from the boy she secretly loved.

"Well sit down and dig in whilst it's still warm," he encouraged of her.

Peyton obliged gratefully helping herself to the largest slice and adding a few pieces of sausage and pineapple to it. She devoured it quickly as she couldn't help but giggle at Lucas who opted for the safest option of just the pizza itself.

"Come on Luke where's your sense of adventure?" she teased. Her second helping consisted of gherkins, pineapple and bacon.

"That's just nasty," he crinkled his nose in distaste but seeing that sparkle in her eyes he couldn't help but indulge her further by taking a bit. The mix of salty and sweet hit his tongue and he uttered a slight gagging sound. "That's disgusting."

Peyton couldn't help but snigger as the strong and protective guy she knew suddenly seemed much more like the little boy sporting the braces.

"It's fun," she proclaimed. She needed to be a kid again even if it was only for a few shorts moments.

Lucas placed some of his mother's left over sweet chili beef, mature cheese and pickles. "Here try this," he offered her a piece as he began to enjoy the game.

Peyton just laughed picking up the slice between her eager fingertips and munching on the edge. "Oh that's not good," she protested reaching for the glass of water at her side and taking a large gulp.

"Hey that chili's my mom's secret recipe. She prides herself on that," he protested a laughing at how her button nose crinkled.

"And I'm sure it's really good," she reasoned as she set her now empty water glass down. "Just not on my pizza."

"I'm sure it's really good," he took a bit and his eyes bulged slightly in dissatisfaction. "Ok now that really is disgusting." He swallowed a large gulp of his drink to wash the taste away.

Peyton smirked smugly at his distaste. "Told you."

Once they'd had their fill they moved to the lounge. Peyton curled her legs beneath her as Lucas lit the fire and they sat quietly watching the dancing flames as the storm continued to rage outside.

"Do you want to talk about her?" Lucas was hesitant to bring up the subject. But he knew her so well and he believed that she would revert to typical Peyton Sawyer form and do everything in her power not to face up to how she was feeling. He remembered all too well how she was the year before, running red lights, as she struggled to deal with the anniversary of her first mother's death. He didn't want her acting out in those extreme ways again.

"I..." her voice stopped abruptly and she hugged a cushion to her chest.

He knew opening herself up was always going to be hard for her. Peyton furiously guarded her heart. But he sensed that part of her at the very least wanted to talk about her late mother. She had come to him tonight he believed for that very reason. And he also thought that for the sake of her own well being she needed to let go of some of the hurt.

"Ellie loved you," he stated as gently as he could. He remembered back to that summer when Ellie had first approached him. She had wanted to get to know her stubborn and wilful daughter. Ellie's motives and timing had concerned Lucas a great deal to begin with. But as he talked to her, he could see she had just wanted to see that the little girl she had given up at birth was happy and leading a good life.

"I know. It's just really hard. I just...I want to be angry at her for leaving it so long to come and see me. I was just starting to get to know her..." she sniffed and he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder though all he wanted to do was hold her and never let her go.

"I know Peyt."

"But I'm not mad at her. I miss her...I just miss her..."

Peyton's tears fell and she no longer bothered to try and hold them in. She couldn't. The grief was too much to bear. Her body wracked with sorrow and all the other emotions she had been suppressing for far too long. Before she knew what was happening Lucas took her into his arms.

She needed to break down. She needed to let go of some of the pain. She needed to heal.

She needed _him_ to help her.

"Shh it's ok," Lucas whispered into her hair. He could feel her body trembling against his own as he attempted to soothe her. She buried her face in his chest, her fingers curled to grip lightly at his shirt.

"It's ok," he repeated. He found himself wanting to be the one to take care of her. He wanted to be the one she would always come to at her most vulnerable because he cared too much for her. He cared too much not to always be the one that she would trust and confide in so instinctively.

She cried as much of the emotions swelling within as she possibly could. She clung onto him; letting him give her strength and the will to pull herself up from the sea of despair.

The entire time he just held her so close; he stroked his hand gently over her back. Her sobbing became nothing but tiny whimpers then after a while she was just silent and wrapped tightly in his hold.

"I'm sorry," she broke away self consciously and brushed away her tears. She gave him a little smile. "I didn't mean to break down and cry like a girl on your shoulder."

"It's ok," his voice was sincere and he stroked back her stray locks. "I just want you to feel better."

She nodded but remained silent at his response. She knew of course that he meant it. "Me too," she said whole heartedly. He brought her back to his chest again; his hand went to cradle the back of her head. He held her like this before; back in the motel room in junior year. Back when they gave into their forbidden passions before.

Peyton swallowed hard. The one thing she had learned from Ellie was to live her life to the fullest. She wanted to stop being so afraid; she didn't want her time with Ellie to be in vein.

They sat for a long time in complete silence. With Lucas holding her she felt the hurt and confusion give way to some sort of acceptance. She rested her head to his heart as she realised how heavy her eye lids were.

"We should get some sleep," he said as he watched her stifle her second yawn.

"Yeah," she agreed feeling both exhausted and cried out. She glanced at her watch and its past midnight and they had the Sparkle Classic this weekend. She would be taking a road trip with Brooke the following morning. "I guess we should."

"You take my room and I'll take the couch," Lucas said as they got up from the couch.

"Don't be silly Luke," she snorted. She'd never do anything to jeopardise their friendship, her friendship with Brooke or indeed his relationship with the cheery brunette. Although she guessed Brooke would not be thrilled of the idea of the two most important people in her life sharing a bed together.

"You sure?" he enquired. They'd shared a bed before especially over the summer that had just passed where they'd spent not a day apart.

It shouldn't be a big deal though for so many unspoken reasons it was. Her conscience told her that maybe Lucas sleeping on the couch was a better and more advisable idea. Though she didn't want to be alone, not tonight at least.

"Its fine," she assured. "I'll keep my cold feet to myself."

Lucas laughed; she'd had the coldest feet even in the summer months. "Good to know."

Peyton settled into the bed lying on her side as she watched him unlace his sneakers and pull of his sweat top. He peeled back the comforter on his side and lay beside. He clicked off the lamp and plunged of them into darkness.

"Goodnight Luke," she hushed softly as she stared up at the ceiling.

"Night Peyt."

x--x--x--x--x

The sun's young rays spilled in the through the window and tickled at her eye lids stirring her awake. It was early the next morning and the heavy rains had finally ceased. She opened her eyes slowly; her head was a little sore from all of her weeping. She found herself nested in so closely to Lucas. Her head tucked in so neatly just below his chin. His fingers were curled around her little hand and his gentle breaths play at her curls. She closed her eyes feeling so secure in his arms and she just wanted to stay this way forever.

She felt him shift and a blush immediately tingled at her face at their close proximity. For a second before he awoke into full consciousness he cuddled her even closer. It was almost as though he was reaching out and craving the same comfort that could only be found in each other. But soon enough the spell was broken and he remembered all the circumstances of who and where he was.

Lucas then moved to sit up and she followed suit.

"Morning," she said sheepishly and silently hoped she wasn't still flushed. She reached up to tame her messy hair.

"Morning." He was a little dazed for a moment about why they were sharing the same bed. Then the memories came flooding back "You feeling ok?" he asked.

"Yeah," she glanced at him. "Thank you for last night." She didn't know what she would have done without him.

"You're welcome. Anytime Peyt." He then stifled a yawn and stretched out his arms. "You want some coffee?" They both knew they have a big day ahead and coffee seemed like the best idea.

"No I should really go," Peyton said. "Brooke and Haley are picking me up in like an hour so I should get on home."

"Ok," Lucas watched as she pulled herself out of the bed and gathered the clothes she had arrived in. She gave him a little smirk as he had washed and dried them for her too. She hurriedly pulled on the skinny black jeans over the shorts she'd been wearing.

"I better go," she muttered.

"I guess I'll see you at the classic."

"Yeah," she grabbed Ellie's jacket last and was stopped abruptly from her rush.

"Luke. Every thing's gonna be alright, right?" she was suddenly afraid as the new day dawned and she had to face reality once again.

"It's going to be fine," he answered her after just a fraction of a beat. He wanted to make everything alright for her again. Taking care of her was something he did without a moment's thought. He supposed he really couldn't help it. He thought back to his fight with Brooke just a couple of weeks before.

"You can always come to me," he watched as her eyes trailed down to look at the floor and she chewed nervously at her lip.

After a moment she nodded but didn't say anything further. She could count on him; she knew that. That wasn't what worried her. What worried her is what lay just beneath the surface. The secret she hid within her heart. She believed that Ellie could see it; she thought sometimes Brooke almost caught a glimpse of her true and harboured feelings. What she was unsure about was whether Lucas Scott saw it; or indeed felt it. Sometimes she thought maybe he did.

"We're friends Peyt," he repeated what he has said a million times before; to his head and to his heart. _They were just friends_. Now if only he could make himself believe it.

"Yeah," she replied softly. She wanted to be his friend; if that's all they could ever have together then she would take it. She would take it and treasure it, he was a great guy and she was a better person from knowing him.

Lucas pulled himself up from the mattress and crossed over to her, taking hold of her hand. "Ok?" he uttered seeing that glint of a real Peyton smile. The one that said she was hopeful despite everything that spun on around her. His lowered his eyes to lock with hers and gave her a cheeky grin wanting her to believe him. "Ok," he repeated.

"Ok," she reached up on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. She settled for the platonic kiss because she loved him too much to hurt him. "I should go," she told him then.

Peyton shrugged into the jacket and headed for the door feeling a little more ready to face the real world outside.

"Peyt," he called her attentions back towards him. His face is serious was her green eyes met him once again. "You dropped this," his hand extended toward her.

The slightly crumbled and well thumbed photograph was of a younger version of Ellie. It was of Ellie after she had just given birth and was holding a new born Peyton in her arms. Peyton bit her lip as she took the picture from him and cradled in between her fingers. She had no idea Ellie had carried this around but it was comforting and heart warming to think that her mother really did think about her every single day. She turned to the back of the photograph and read _'last day with Peyton'_ in Ellie's untidy scrawl.

"You ok?" Lucas prompted as her eyes remained lost on the picture.

"Yeah," she nodded her head. "I am."

She was going to be fine.....

x--x--x--x--x

_Ellie Harp was an amazing woman and such an extraordinary influence in my life. She was a great role model. But part of me could see through that facade she held up so well. I guess I could see she was lonely and looking for something more. I think she was looking for some kind of purpose or the knowledge that her time upon this Earth had meant something. That I guess is why she came to try and find me._

_I want to see the light and the rays of hope in my life again. Ellie helped me to see that I need to take a risk and stop hiding from what I want. I don't want her death to be in vain. My knowing her helped me see so much of my potential._


End file.
